Its like I cant win. School is either shit and everything else is good, or school is great(like it is now) and everything else is shit. Whatever.
I leave in 18 days for Boston to go see Tim. I'm stoked as hell. I miss him so much. The past 6 weeks or so have been weird. I got so used to having him there, whenever I wanted. Now.. I can't really even remember what its like to hug him. I know that sounds terrible, but its true. I do know that I love him though, more than anything. Thats whats important right? That you love eachother. I dont know if that will make us work. I hope to God it does though. I want to reach out to him, help him. But I feel like its that saying: The more you chase something, the farther it runs away. I don't want that. I'm trying to be cool about this whole 'break' thing, but its so hard. I talk to him, and I want to tell him everything I feel for him and how much I care about him. But I can't because he doesn't say anything. I wish he knew he didn't have to go through all the stress alone. I used to be that stress outlet for him. He'd have a terrible day, and then see me after school and everything would be alright. I don't know if he thinks of me as that anymore. This whole long distance thing is killing me. I knew it would be hard. Everyone told me it would be hard. Everyone told me it wouldn't last between us. I know theyre not right, they can't be. Hes more than my boyfriend. Hes my best friend, hes that guy. That one where you think about 5 years from now and hes there, even if you dont place him there, hes just there.
Fuck.
Fuck.
I just need to hold on for a couple weeks and then everything will be okay. But what if its not? I dont know whats going to happen, but I know hes the best person I know and I never want him out of my life. I never smiled with anyone so much before him, and I never cried so much after him. That has to mean something.
- Mood:
discontent - Music:Something Corporate
When I came home from the doctors today, I took a nap before class and ended up sleeping through class so yeah, thats a blower. Hammie is getting neutered tomorrow and I'm terrified something will go wrong. Taking care of him and having him rely on me completely for survival and love has been the best thing ever. I love him so much and I love that he makes me so happy. Anyways, I just hope everything goes perfect tomorrow. He has to spend the night at the vet so I'm dropping him off with his blanky and a shirt of mine.
I got so fucking depressed tonight and I'm not really sure why. I went to the cemetary today with my mom and Hammie to visit my grandparents. I also stopped by Andrew's grave and that pretty much sucked. It's so hard to beleive that it's been a year and a half since he died, what the hell. Who the hell said it was okay for him to die at eighteen? I'm still so fucking pissed off and angry about it all. I suppose I always will be.
I want to talk to Tim about Andrew's death and why I was so insanely depressed tonight, but I just don't really want to go back to that time in my life. When he died I pretty much left school, became depressed, wouldn't go out anywhere and hated my life and everyone in it. It wasn't until January or so of 2006 that I began to feel like myself again. I don't want to go back to that at all. I felt like I had to completely start my life over after that.
I feel like I should maybe go back to my therapist but did that really even help? I would put up such a fasade in front of him, making him beleive I was getting better and working things out. I'm a good liar like that. I know the point of therapy is to open up and become vulnerable in order to face your problems, but I just can't do that. I need everyone to beleive I'm okay, even when I'm not. I have to be normal.
This journal was intended to be a new begining, my other one filled with regrets and anger. But it seems like when I write, thats all that comes out.
Night.
- Location:My Desk
- Mood: discontent
- Music:System of a Down
Tim spent the night last night and I got about two-three hours of sleep in total. Every five minutes I either had a elbow in my eye or the puppy was crying because hes obsessed with Tim and wanted love. I worked 1230-5 or so today, fucking exhausting. The boring days seem to take more out of me then the exciting, busy, productive ones. I spent the day steaming random crap and begging for a lunch break.
So tell me if I'm wrong in thinking this, but should Erika not be allowed back at work, especially not so soon after the incident.
Ah...the incident. My bipolar, depressed, alcoholic, self loathing, crazy out of her mind manager is coming back to work tomorrow after being out for a week. Why was she out for a week? Long story short, she threatened to kill herself because she wasn't doing her job and was told that if she didn't improve, she would be fired. She locked herself in the bathroom early last Sunday morning and six special forces cops came barging in Hollister's doors and dragged her crazy ass out. Her car was in the parking garage until yesterday, when she "stopped by" for whatever reason. Insane asylum...please! She's constantly sharing her horrific life with all of us and she really does suck at her job. I feel sorry for her because I know she needs help but on the other hand I'm annoyed at her because she knows shes a psycho and does nothing to fix it. Whatever. She's coming back to work tomorrow and yeah...would you want to be in a place where you had a huge assed meltdown and had six cops come in to take you away...oh, and it was all caught on camera. CRAZY.
My toe is swollen and black/blue so I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow morning before school. After Political Science I need to take Hammie up to the vet's office to get some blood work done before he gets neutered on Tuesday. Poor Baby.
Well, I'm off to bed. I'll try and update this thing daily so if you're bored you can see what I'm up to and what not. Night.
- Location:My Bed
- Mood:
exhausted - Music:The sounds of my puppy sleeping
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